IN Digestion

Cleaned up my entire home. But, not ‘I’ by myself. I asked Yusuf - and yazans younger brother just happened to be bored and came down. And now the place is entirely wiped out -

I seperated all that we are keeping, with all that should go in storage - and moved it (1/3 moved it).

Now, I am insanely hot, we do not have any air conditioner, and I am wearing sweats just because I am used to it, and yusuf is asleep in the computer room so like, I have to be quiet, and I am actually trying to fix something because well, I am - and im so so so hungry, I made Adee give me 10jds when he woke up briefuly before going to work (I make him keep my money, otherwise it all vanishes) so later on today I can eat but again, i have NO IDEA what to eat, i still do not know - there is nothing except felafel and shewarma and muajaanat, for some reason creep me out since they feel kinda oily. GOSH, I am starving -

I am hoping ill be 45 years old for some reason, i want to be an old man who sits and does things (not old, but older then I am now) - ok the sweatshirt has to go, I AM SWEATING.

To tired to goto the balcony and get some water (the water jug is out there) again again again, there is a hidden message deep deep inside all of this, PLEASE be figured out, i would not be bloggin at 4:09 am unless it was something deep deep deep deep deep inside that just had to come out one way or the other.

Oh, I spoke to my parents they are coming for sure for sure in december and gonna check out jordan and if they like it, they will move here within 1-3 years (my dad’s own words) . Blogging is the absolte funnest thing I do these days, its more fun then ANYTHING -

I have work in 6 hours but yusuf has work in 5 hours, so we have to wake up in 4 hours and since hes my guest, ihave to ensure he wakes up since he slept here because he helped and i hate hate hate having to wake up in 4 hours considering I am not anywhere near close to wanting to sleep, how can i. If I do sleep, when I wake up, I will want to change clothes. OR, take a shower. I am sick, so I can not take cold showers (I took  cold showers every day for 2 months, maybe thats why I am sick (that reminds me, I Have to purchase a water heater before the kids get here) 0

I wish I could just fall asleep like normally, Its a nightmare for me to fall asleep, I habe no idea how to. I want to sleep, if I can sleep, ill be so happy - I can’t imagine a time i did not goto sleep unless I am exhausetd, I HATE HATE dread sleep, im terrified of it. I hate hate hate it.

On a more positive note, I feel tons better, no stomach pains, no intense breathing pain, just irritation.

You know what the best thing in the world to do is when your just tired of thinking, to plop on a bed FACE down with a bug jump, but, If I did that anywhere here, I would likely die. Its cold hard floor, i want a king size mattreess bread with lots of my moms blankets and pillows - she is always always always from someplace or the other pulling out brand new comfoter sets and giving them to us.

Its so nice here, the fans are blowing, the adhan just happened again for tahajjud, the fans are making this nice chilly breeze sound - yusug is on my comforters AHHHHHHHHHH thats why I am so not able to sleep, hes on mY COMFORTERS, i set it up for him…

I have no comforters to sleep in, and to have to get up and make somethign to sleep on AND set the time on my cell phone AND then set an alarm terrigies me, my phone is always falling and obviosuly the battery pops out, so the time is never set on it.

Ill keep writing until I am eveb more exhasted normally I would lie down and just start thinking or somethingbut no place to lie down.

Ok, I will try to write a bit about some of the stuff I wanted to write about - I do / did not want to be married. (This needs to be clarified), I am VERY HAPPY that I am married, and that I am amrried to Fatim but before her, I had no interest in marriage, and wanted no such thing, but the thing is, its really depressing here in Jordan - its not that everyone does not want to get married, ,of course they do, ,but its weird here - they marry late, u need a lot of money, and people are lonely and they want to be married, and I feel really sick and uncomfortable sometimes because of it. Sex, female company, ,etc. is obviosuly something any 17-18 year old wants, but 25-26 year old men working, saving up, and trying for a long time to finally get married just depresses me - Not because i think bad of them or anything, but I feel soo, u know ‘to perfect’ around them, and obvisouly with a wife like Fatima, its even 10,000 times more in your face, since shes always with me (maybe 10-15 friends in america, and maybe all of my friends in jordan have told me they wish to have a wife like her, and amongst religous people (most of my friends are somewhat religous, NO ONE says that unless it just comes out, and they feel a bit bad about it), in way shape or form) - If i Was not married, i’d feel a lot less guilty about being married, or even if i was married to some sort of ogre who made my life miserable, then i could just tell people oh u dont wanna be married, but its so easy for anyone to see that my life is just a bit to easy, and its depressing - not depressing, depressing is not the word, its hard to explain. its not depressing, it’s not right, its unfair, yea its a bit unfair i suppose but thats not it really because I know I do not feel its unfair, in the end i think that everyone who does not go after what they want deserves what they get. But, its weird, its strange. its, meanningless, yea, i feel meanningless, I feel this big thing of weirdness - or even if lets say no one knew her, etc. but to be honest (since I am a dayuuth and all, right Mr. Layth) - its all just so weird. I wish everyone who wanted to really be married could just marry easily and everyone who did not want to be married, just would not be married. It would make things a lot nicer, and i’d feel a bit happier about the whole situation. I don’t see why people don’t just date, it makes things a lot easier.

I have eye boogers ALLL of the time now, to be honest, its the only reason I think about not getting contacts, why do I think about getting contacts, because my glasses are always being broken or being lost. My mom bought me a SUPER SUPER expensive pair of glasses, they change into sunglasses when u go out, nike, brandname and all - and this is her third pair she bought me in one year - (shes fixated on these things) - and she has no idea i lost it after two weeks. She told me to buy a new pair of glasses, I had these huge oversized ones before which I LOVED. When I found out i needed glasses, I went in, saw I could not see and got the largest pair of glasses in the store. Of course they were ugly but they called out to me and spoke to me, so I wore them much to her unhappiness. But that was when I was 13. I neve rwore them until I was about 20ish when I realized hey, I need to see more. So i wore them and loved them becuse even though I needed them my entire life I never KNEW, since i dont think i baarely treid them. So, they were these big cluknky glasses which I wore for ever. So I have them, but then after sitepping on them a few times to many - i had to change them but also, my eye precsictioon had changed every time i went,but i never bothered changin the glasses. I forget how or why but my mom wanted me to buy a new pair, so we went in, and i got these geekly black ones - (I did not care for them to much, glasses WERE glasses to me at that point) but fatima liked them so i got them and my mom liked them a bit but not as my main glasses so a year later, she wants me to change my glasses again, or do the stupid eye laser thing, or get contacts - i got classes again, and this time, since she sees its gonna be glasses for me, they have to be the mac daddy of all glasses not to big, not to small, nice, you can see me, etc. and so you can step on them 1000 timems and they do not break.. I lost them like after 2 months. (she still does not know) so now, I am so used to seeing proper, u know how some people take off their glasses at certain times, not me, i am INSEPERBLE from them, and since most of my time is spent lying down and reading, or lying down and thinking, etc. When I am in bed, i want to see things right, so i use glasses but its always uncofmrtable becuase of situations, etc so I htin ok contacts might not be so bad of an idea (or to be honest the stupid laser thing) but i always have eye boogers, and im so used to glasses (and i tried contacs for a few months when i was a teeanger and hated them) so i dint know what to do but agan i spend so much time lounging around and still wanting to see perfect that, its a bit of a thing to think about. Also, i can always allude to my mom that yees thaey are in, and she won’t ask me if I lost my glasses, etc. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, thats one thing thats always on my mind, my eye boogers, i remove them 5 times a day, and wonder if i had contacts how would i handle all of that with the eye boogers, so this thought actually consumes my mind so many times a day. I need to just stop letting eye boogers bother me, but they tire my eyes so much - Yusuf snores.

Pimples are always on my mind some part of my body akways itches, because of pimples - they are ALWAYS ALWAYS itching me, and im always pictuiubg in my mind what if they were just cut off alll over my face and arms and shoulders, just sliced off like u slice something in clay - would it stop itching me and irritating me, i have no idea - but for some reason it always seems like a nice solttuon some laser that cuts them off and u have all of these Yuck open sores, cuts - but its there - sEE i told u mmy mind wont shut up.

My parents will be coming AFETR hajj wth two other people so they will be here with their friends, im happy for them - that makes me happy that my parents when making hajj chose to make it with a long time friend of theirs. but there is a WHOLE LOT more I am not going to say about this but its on my mind

America, americam its always one way or the other coming up. The haaris today came up to me, cause he saw me doing all of this silly stuff, and trying to get things moving, and hes very nice christain, but hes like, (tellling yusuf) tell sas, I STILL dont know why you came from ameirca to HERE!, it does not happen that much but mostly from peolpe I already know ( i tell everyone I am from pakistan usually) - but stuff like that is kinda common. Yes, America is great and I do kinda miss the perfection of well produced thigns. (I like prodduction a lot) in the end, I feel again like I am out of place - to fortunate, etc. but again thats not it, and its not depressing or missing it. I dont really care so much for it, but i feel kinda bad for my parents. I do not mind my family or my kids as they should be tought about it, but i want my parents to be where they are happy - and i thnk theyd be happier in a ‘well produced place’ such as the states. MAN MAN, am I so lucky, I have no brothers or sisters or kids. I don’t think id know what to do with them if i had any of these things/people.

I still can not breathe. I HATE LINUX, I HATE PROGRAMMING in ANY LANGUAGE, I HATE graphic design to behonest the only thing I thing that I do that I actually enjoy is programming in c#, ita a fun thing to do. But, I hate my skill set but to be honest I know i hate everything else to. I want to just be paid to be me. I will MAKE it happen one way or the other. I can not work one more day if my life depended on it, but here is the thing, I am marriied! and i have kids but even that, they can eaisly move in with their dad, and fatima does not need anything at all and can live on the streets with me, or we can live with my parents. I don’t even know why I am working. I should just do nothing. I AM 24 yyears old, I NEED/ want to not work again. I HATE working, i hate it jate hate hate it. And refuse to do it. And even then my josbs are to easy, to flexible, i actually spend 10 hours a day hanging out with fatima missing all of my deadlines and still meeting them all somehow - what knid of life is this! my eye boogers are bothering me.

TO be honest, I just want to sit and think alll day and then goto bed, and then wake up and think And by thinking i mean just letting my mnid do its thing, its not like i actually ponder about anythign deep or meningufl or even learn anythihng,. i simply just play games in my mind or someting i think. I prefer this, there has to has to has to be a way to do nothing and still get to Jannah. HAS TO (in shaa Allaah).

Ill probably mess my life up very easily, in a bad way, I could so see somehting horribly bad happening to me. I Am moritified of anything physical, if anyone tickles me, i scream like a girl. I bet SOMETHING bad will happen to me, physucally i know it. (Please dont let it be so though, Allaah).

And now After writing all of this, I wish i somehow got the idea that I can make my bed and sleep (if the bed was made, I WOULD sleep but the bed is not made, so I will not) but my face is itching, i need to go wash it with soap it brings tempoerary relief, some people have said, i probably have a skin bacteria or something and need to speak to a dermatologust. NO! not happening anytime soon.

I talk way to much, I like being alone so I can talk all of the time, its fun. I actually talk to myslf a a lot physucally and in my head.

I am DYING of wanting to sleep, I want to sleep more than anythiugn in the world right now. but I do not want to, i have no idea what to do, except I want to sleep, i want to dream. I LOVE LOVE good dreams, all of my dreams are average though. Good dreams are better then anytihng though - except if they are so good that you believe them and then the next day its not true. This happened last week, it was HORRIBLE.

The only good thing about people that are muslims who don’t pray are that you do not have to wake them up for prayer. I hate waking people up for prayer i dont know why. And in general since i am always so sick, i dont like praying with others, its always easier for me to pray by myself, on the other hand when I am healthy, its ok, but im NEVER healthy these days anymore.

Abul Layth told me a friend of his is in jordan right now and wants to meet me. He took my number (mr. layth did) but he has not called me yet. I AM SO SO SO hungry. Man MAN MAN MAN MAN, I am going to die, i can not for the life of me figure out why iI am wlays hungry. I never have what i need in the drige and ever since I got married, obcioauy when it comes to food, its MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY, i dont know how to manage a drigdge and there is nothign ever in it, that make sme feel like eating so im always hungry.

I have to wake up in 2 hours and 40 minutes, i so SO like cursinng, if I could curse, I would say F* that, but but but, its one of the few good things I did recently so I must stick iwith it - besides I hate cursing now, its so lame, maybe i enjoyed it when i was younger but now i feel really dumb anytime i curse, im a muslim mfor god’s sake!

I am hungry, so so hungry.

If I just kill some of my brain, I wonder if I will be able to sleep easily. I CAN”T STOP THINKING, and now thats truning into writing, because i have no place to sleep!

I have to stop this now, because now I am thinking about stuff that I can;t actually write about, HA. (no NOT anything about aboout anything about about anything about sex).

Let me see if i can do it in a code language, im so bad at masking my true feelingse these days, I have told countless people to shut up, get lost or ‘get the f* out of my face” in the last couple of months. one of those people got kicked n the face by a horse and now lost his entire face, (maybe a week after i kicked him out of my place) - so obvisouly im very bad at carefully writing things in a way that mean something to me but say something else to the world, 

but let me try: Once i made up a story, only once that I can recall and that has made all the difference. (I am stuck on that line cause fatima likes Dead Poets Society so much).

There, that is my code language. The entire short segment above. Easily cracked by me, so I know what it means, but you do not. HA (ill behonest MOST EVERYTHING i say in ALl of my blogs are like that), im in love with myself.

Ok, good night for now. I love you, and thank you very much for listening to me.

Actually, I do not normally do this: AND NO I AM NOT LISTENING TO THIS SONG Or anything, and there will be a long detailed post about this later on:

But since if you READ all of this you basically just were in my head for a while, this SONG will not leave my head - for 1 week straight its pounding in my head, and I DO NOT want it there anymore, but its there, so here is a link to it: http://youtube.com/watch?v=UhjG47gtMCo,

I do not normally mind if a song is in my head but its beat is so weird, that it somrt of organizes my thouhghts in a pattern around the beat, and it makes me walkfunny maybe to, I am not sure, but its WONT leave my head its just there (which is why I have to mention tool later on when i have some time to actually say it while WANTING to) but this song is stuck in my head like a hammer that just keeps hitting it: http://youtube.com/watch?v=UhjG47gtMCo, so if you read all of this, then u must go get this song stuck in ur head (dont actually enjoy it or listen to it), just hear it and no sin for me or for you. Got it? Thanks.

I should not have, but man, its so yummy (ikhteer zaaki), so SO SO yummy. I am gonna be sick for a few more days. Today, I woke up and was in INTENSE pain, intense pain,m i went to work 4 hours late -

I am sickly person. I weigh to little, i dont eat well, and my lungs are shot. Asthma, since i was a kid - bleh - BUT, oh man, so so zaki

And to be honest, I NEED TO, I am in INSSANE PAIN, and to just sit here in agony is better then lying in the bed in agony (oh man, thats bad agonoy) but to sit is even worse, but at least if i am typing, I am notthinking so much about the pain, I will go pray fajr and if I am still in pain, ill write some more abotu TOOL.  YES< TOOL. the best and the only band worth mentioning more then a few times on my blog.

 BRB Prayer …

OK back, my pain is still ther every painnful, i am going to drink some JOJ, and maybe that wil help? Somehow i think orange juice will make it worse,  but I am so hnugry and I just do not know what to do. And it hurts -

walking around in pain for 15 minutes

ok, its still not that good, still hurts a lot but the pain is here to stay, i suppose i just have to ACCEPT it and try to continuye - man again so much i just wanted to say but the pain took it all away, ill write about it some other day -

Since, I do not have a car - HOPEFULLY that will change soon, within a few weeks - it means:
1. No groceries
2. No fuel for my small gas lighter (the one I can use on my balcony)
3. No fruits, vegetables (Coming home from work or any outing, i hate to stop and get fruits and veggies)
4. For two months all of my work was put on hold as things were being shuffled around, and now that I finally can work, I have some problems:
— 1. No car, so no mobility
— 2.  Code is on a backup server
— 3. I never feel comfortable enough to code.
— 4. When I am free and at home, the stuff I need is in the office, and vice versa
— 5. Oh yea, as of last week, when everything was arranged so that I may come and go and set my own hours and not have to worry about the smalll details like that (meaning I can work at work on my own stuff and still get paid for it, I BECAME INSANELY SICK, so the last week before Fatima came where I could have actually gotten work done, I did not)
5. No books, and I can not read books from a computer screen, I simply can not.

To entertain myself, usually I have at least food, cooking, reading, and some good movies (I will usually watch all of the movies in one night, and have 2 months of nothing left as in this case, season 3 of friends was lying around, and there were 3-4 episodes left so I downed them in one sitting, and thats all). Or I have work to do, since I do not like to do any ‘actual’ work, I hate working, (but that will all change now as under the new leadership/management I can do it MY WAY, and they love how I am good at ‘bsing’).

The kitchen was in a state of war, the only way to cook, make tea, light coals, do anything was my small burner until we got a Stove, as soon as we got a stove, somehow or the other I messed up the kitchen so cooking is an impossibility - Now this last week again, when everything was getting better, i got INSANELY sick (I am still gagging all over the place)

Ok, it has to be cool weather also, which is fine for Jordan so I can wear Sweats - if I can not wear sweats, I can NOT be comfortable, with socks because my feet and hands are always cold, and I need a nice place to sit on a sofa, etc. of also something I DO NOT HAVE, it can be anything even a really old diry thing, just something you can sit on with ur legs up and relax in.
I have a cold, ugly marble floor (its beautiful when its clean, and it will be clean in 3-4 days in shaa Allaah) -  so now, the other thing which I can do is, work - which Itotally like, except working here is disgusting, and there is not much work to do, and I can not do my own work -  because of reasons mentioned above. so now I have a few choices as to what to do:
1. Socializing (Adee, Yazan, Ammar, Hussam, Yusuf)
2. Blogging - (I could probably do this a LOT as I am doing in the last two days, the problem is it comes from some sort of inspiration, and I had none or any desire to write about anything what so ever)
3. Reading what I can ‘webstyle’ and that means, blogs, slashdot, digg
4. Being by myself
5. Playing with things around me
6. Trying to be a better muslim
Ok, my stomach is hurting, I will write the rest of this later, but in general I have so much I want to write, but see! now my stomach hurts, so now I have to just sit there writhing in pain not being able to breathe while actually wanting to write (which is something which is up there in the list of things i ENJOY!) I swear if I somehow see Adee or Yazan right now at 3:30 AM in my moment of hardship, I will snap, break down, cry and give up and become a woman.

Ok, I am back, I literally do not know what I did for an hour or so, but my stomach hurts a bit less, I think I Just walked around thinking or something - so now back to this (this is fun, I am actually smiling for the first time in weeks (real smile) but to be honest, maybe I am just happy in general cause Fatima will be coming back, so now everything is starting to be better.

SHIT!!!! I was going to write about this earlier (and to be honest, i swore off the s* word today) but the adhaan for Tahajjud just is happening right now, SH!!! - see, today, I was in the middle of a meeting with one of the project managers at my second company, and in the middle I said, look, let me go to the hammam, and we will continue and he said ok, - let me go pray maghrib as I was just about to, and it just hit me, I AM IN A MUSLIM country - and even now, it just hit again, i am HEARING the adhan man, Jordan by any stretch of the imagination is not a crazy religous place, but here I am hearing the adhaan, and then I saw so many muslims today (well everyone here is muslim, right) but in the worse places in Amman to, so so so many muslims, with their families, etc.) so this was going to be this whole great post about this, but now i forget what the details of the post were so let me get back to my first post…

Ok, so I have no idea in general what to do, and all of my usual tactics are not available, so I resort to being my own best friend, which I am ‘ok’ at, no big deal except its TOO time consuming. once it starts it has to continue and it usually gets in the way of everything. I CANT EVEN MAKE MACERONI AND CHEESE MAN. And lets say I Wanted to, id have to walk to subway, and i feel downright stupid paying for a taxi to get mac and cheese and a taxi back, so it makes it NOT HAPPENING.but lets just say, i got the urge,and i get there - what kind of cheese to buy, what kind of macernoi, what kind of milk, saudi milk, syrian milk, etc. - and it would never come out right, the milk here is so not Vitam D with a red bottle on top milk. So yesterday, I put on 10,000 different types of perfume, mind you I am sick and been in bed for 4 days, so its only for myself but still it messeed me up.

Ok, so now m ystomach still hurts a LOT a LOT a LOT, just as I am sort of recovering (though it still hurts to breathe and now my throat is begining to feel the soreness from all of the couthing) now I have ABDOMINAL pains. GREAT! (and I should be at work in 5 hours since there is very important work to be done, and since I have not been to work in 4 days) -

So, (by the way, friends dont let friends drink and drive, right, well friends dont let friends not be friends, right?) MAN MAN MAN Now they are playing the qur’aan befor FAJR Adhan. You can not not not underestimate how amazin it is to live in a muslim country.

My stomahc my somtach, god, i want to write so much more, but the pain in my stomach is making me not able to write much or make much sense or not quite say what i want to say, (thank god i can somehow touch type, i can not really touch type i mean by the ruels, and all but i can type without looking and i dont reallly care to fix the mistakes much, so it works, and its usable) i used to have an audio blog, i think i prefer it to be honest, when im rich ill have soneoen do it for me, so all i have to do is talk and say, ok i am done, and they wll upload it for me). Ok, so now back to the story.

Ok, Ill skip towards the end, in the end, the best of alll of these acitivites was to sit in the balcony by myself smoke a half pack, yes a full half pack of anything, but especially lights, with a sweathsirt on and sweats, nice tea and just look at amman - but that did not last as well, obvisioly i had roomates for a long portion of the time, and he was without a job, so its not quite as i wanted it to be. You know I CRAVE to be alone? I mean when I am with fatima, I do not know what to do about it, i crave it but i am like a child, im lost and i also do not want to be alone, she literally has to come with me to work sometimes just to ensure i can ‘get to work’) im so not a grown up in some ways - but I crave, I mean crave, crave alone time, like real alone time where there is:

1. Good Health (never happens)
2. All stupid stuff (like food, etc. out of the way)
3. No stomach pains (never happens)
4. no worry about prayer (i.e. I have already prayed isha)
5. No hunger, now i am HUNGRY, I have to pray Fajr (read: will/want), and my stomach hurts, and i dont think there is anything to eat, and i have to be at work shortly and i need some rest before I can goto work
6. This is not alone time, since I am so in the mood to write, so i have to keep writing
7. I have at least 30 minutes of peace in the beginning, and 30 minutes of peace in the end. I hate confrontation
So I did not get much alone time, with you know having dsl at home and what not, and idiot friends who stay on ur laptop all night LISTENING TO YOUTUBE, or some arabic chat saying, yatikulm al Affia all day (NO PROBLEM IN GENERAL< BUT I WANT SOME alone time) - so they can close the door or something, or pretened like they do not exist, but yes, arabs (read: adee/yazan) are loud emotional (read: stupid) people. So, I am mad and boiling mad yet I am hungty and they give me food, so I need to be nice.

So, in the end, nothing happened except, one, I was sick most of the time, exhausyted most of the time, (and can you tell i am wraping this up quickly, my stomahc is KILLING).

I lied down in bed mos of the time in my little make shift horrible bed, in which you would think I would fall asleep in immediately bnut never can not ever. I spent probably 4 hours each night, with my eyes closed just lying down thinking and awake and being with myself. I got my alone time, but to be honest, I hate hate hate hate hate sleep, and Id rathe rbe bored then goto bed. But, sleep is a traunatic thing for me, where I feel very very veyr bad (when I wake up, its like I do not even know what was botheringn me) but 2 months of this in these situations.- DAYAM! I am prouf of myself!

But you know what, since adees at work, and yazan wont be here until 4 more hours before he goes to work, to take my laptop to work, I actuallly just right now feel like hey I can relax and enjoy a nice evening / morning before workk (I dont care if i pass out right before work, at this poiint) but BUT BUT my stomach is LITERALLLY killing, and being in the balcony after fajr sucks, its ncie at night, and even though I have a lot of lot of stuff to thunk about, i hate thinkin unless I am at ease physucally.

If I onl just ate somewhat healty and well to be honest, I might have enjoyed some days! My stomach feels like something is being wrechnedinside and twisted, hunger with somemalnutirion and pain just aaah -

Some other really nice / sad stuff that happened today, by the way Jordan is DEPRESSING everyone here is not smiling or annyting, no one smiles, no one ishappy everyone has this grimace look on their face but once ur here and u see it, u just see thats their life (not everyone but a lot of people) they are just depressed or set intheir ways, and set on it. I need NEED need smiling people all the time, the good thing about the states is smiling is ok and its done!, but here man.. if u smile at someone (and i look goofy, so they should just smile since i look so stupid) but they will just kina lean into you and with  this serious look be like - u know me? why u smiling at me. one out of 5 people will smile back, but after a sligh hesitation. The girls, dont even try it with them. (for Islamic reasons of course, but again, here its weird, no one is reallly smiling much).  Smiling is good, it makes the world go round.

But, ok my stomach is still hurting, and i have more i want to eay before i forget it. Headlines, headlines only ok - My Dad, said, we will come after Hajj and check otu jordan if its suitable and livable, we will come live with you within 1, 2 or 3 years (i want him to retire and move sooner) if you guys/girls could e-mail him at akhtar_j@hotmail.com and say sas mimsses you a lot and wishes ud come to jordan sooner to live , id much appreciate it., one guy at linkage is very saddened and depressed (and unlike me he has every right to be), and fatima will be here in 4 days!

Salaam alaikum

Sas

So, its utterly messed up.
Also, I am a Muslim, so I have to follow rules/guidelines.
Also, I am married and what not, so I can’t just ‘when in doubt, put up a pic of a girl’ thingie or something. (Plus I am muslim again)
Lets just say even if I did something totally nuts, I would HAVE to be careful about how/what I say.
So, why blog? I am not 100% sure, except I know I DO LIKE It. I have had a blog in one way or the other since I Was 16! (back then, it was not called blog, or if it was, I was unAWARE of it), and only one reader that I knew about.
Now, I have this blog, and I am itching to write something on it while installing Windows 2003 Server (Sharepoint!)
I have not eaten a booger in at least 6 months (mucus from mouth DOES NOT count).

I have had a new blog in the backuburner for quite some time, so I guess i am looking for a seemless way to integrate into it, but other things keep coming up - namely now, i can FINALLY START my company! (I went through 2 partners until I got myself into a cozy place) so after it fails (or works) I will finally have closure on it, and begin EVERYTHING else…

Not so sick anymore, no fevers this morning, just a bad cough and not much breathing ability  - but RECOVERING!

Since this topic is barely a topic,  i ever come upon anymore. Thank GOD I am not a sufi (and by sufi i mean anything to do with these tariqas), i like it, i respect it, i admire it even and i think its ok even, but its not for me AT ALL - AT ALL - It makes perfect logical sense, the chains, the way it developed but in the end, IN the end, its still a bunch of people doing a bunch of weird stuff - and may Alllaah like them for it, but thank GOD I am not a sufi.

for the last 3-4 days, no matter what prayer i am praying for some reason i break out into sweats, shivers, and start fevering - its so bizzare

My fever is rising, I was just with Ammar (its 2:30 in the morning MIND YOU!), and my head is hurting, and I have just gulped down four pills! (I feel SO junkieish), but, I know, and He knows and everyone knows the real reason I am so sick is because of ibtilaa? (I know I USED to know what it means, but to be honest I have no idea, nor do  I know right now, except Ammar said its the word, and did not or could not because he was so tired do a rough translation for me) - so I am sick, and its here to stay. I hate hate being sick.

But, more than that, if I am sick when I am with with my parents - MAAAAN, firstly, if I Wake up the way I am waking these days, my mom will wake me up in the morning anyway just to see how I am doing, and insist I drink some tea with old stale bread or I mean toast rather -  then she will hug me for at least 10 minutes and pray all sorts of du’a over me, then feed me my medicine (which can not come UNTIL after the tea and toast), then she will put me in my bed (and its such a nice fluffy bed, the likes of which I have never slept on since being on my own) - and then depending on what ails me, she will do the whole hot water, color water?  (I forget) think on your head and bundle me up so I do not get a chest cold, etc.

Then, if I am not REALLY that sick (If I am really sick, i just don’t want to much touchyness going on), then I will find a way to crawl into my parents bed - and put my head against her shoulders and sleep, and she will insist to my dad to puthis arm around me (hes not a touchy feely person at all) - Then later on when its time for work, school, or any arragments I have, my mom will call them and let them know I can’t come -and I am not sure why but coming from my mom its the ultimate smack down, i mean i hate HATE hate having to tell people i wont be able to come in, or having someone do it for me, but when my mom does it, its O-K.

Then I will wake up, and she will insist I rest, and, i watch cartoons all day and all day, and then I watch soap operas passing in and out of consciousness the entire time, then by 4 o clock or so the cartoons are back on again, and I will be feeling a little energetic sitting up in bed a little maybe, etc. and then by night time I feel recovered, or under that Illusion so when my dad comes, I will BEG BEG BEG him to let me get a pizza and bahm, ill top the day with extra cheese pan pizza hut pizza (to be honest, the thought of that sickens me) but I lived like that for 21 years.

ON THE other hand, I have to practice every self restraint in the world right now, NOT to curse Adee or Yazan when I see them in the apartment.

It seems odd, silly for sure but for some reason if I do get to Paradise (MAN, I REALLY want to be accepted there) I think I would REALLY like to hear this blasting at least once or something and annoying someone or the other when there… 

What is love
Oh baby, don’t hurt me
Don’t hurt me no more
Oh, baby don’t hurt me
Don’t hurt me no more

What is love?