IN Digestion

I wonder all of the time what the future holds, not the future from this life, but the one afterwards. Its hard to imagine that its an entirely different subset, it will have its own history, its own people, its own children, its own pursuits, its own friends, its own parties. I wonder what a party in the better of the two afterlives could be like.

My friend wants to be a full time researcher if he makes it into paradise, you know working on his PHD forever or something.

I am not sure, I feel better all of a sudden. Yesterday, without a doubt I was troubled beyond troubles can be. I feel a bit better today, and it feels good to feel better. I still do not think I can easily fall asleep, but I am quite used to staying awake until I fall asleep. (this means I sleep every 36 hours or so) - I am ‘required’ to be in the office for the next 6 months, but they are fairly understanding that I am only productive every other day (the day I am tired, I just kinda sit there waiting for the day to end, getting small remedial tasks done) -

I actually was able to launch ONE project this month, our own company website - http://www.exotox.com/ (note: I have to ensure that the copy is edited for typos still, but this is still Jordan. Typos are the least of worries sometimes.  I am OH so cold these days. I stayed in Mafraq for two days, on 3 JDS. It was bizzarely awful, yet nice - I got a chance to kinda do what a ton of other people do every day, who have to be at work by a certain time, and take the bus AND do not live in Amman. Most people I know actually live in Zarqa, and commute to Amman every day, by bus - for many reasons - TAXIs are expensive, cars are even more doubly expensive - a car I can purchase for around 750-1200 dollars in the States, would cost around 4.5 thousand JODS (thats almost like 6 thousand dollars!) -

Well, it was nice and peaceful - After Fajr, we met my friends cousins father - who is also the resident imam at this masjid - he dropped us off to the bus station - from where we took the bus to Amman (note: 2 days ago, a bus drove off a CLIFF and 30 people died, so many mountains and hills in Jordan, scary stuff man) - so we went from the bus station, and it was FREEZING outside, I mean I had two pairs of socks on, modeled after a friend, and for the 2 days I was there, I was unable to feel my toes the entire time - I may have permanent damage! ( I doubt it) - So, I went with a HUGE Winter Coat, gloves, a Hat, a Hoodie to cover my head from my sweat shirt - waitL No, my hat was taken by Adee. I wore my hoodie sweatshirt hat on my head, and the hoodie from my winter coat. And a scarf, and I walked like a balloon and sat down in the bus. Now, the bus was kinda warm, and I felt hot, but it was so nice. I was quite miserable though, so it was nice - I got to sit in a nice long (45 minute) ride in the rain from Mafraq to Amman, and just drif in and out of sleep. (I Stayed awake the entire night to make sure I would not miss the bus to Amman), I have learned Adee is not reliable to stay awake and wake me up by a certain time if I need to get there by a certain time. I was schooled all over on a Playstation by everyone in the world who likes/;loves PS2 more then me, and I got to watch the first installment of Godfather (DAMN!, I LOVE LOVE this movie) - while eating practically nothing except Zatar, Labneh and ZEET.

I’ll be honest - I do not want to do it anymore. Nothing, NOTHING at all - When I Was younger I kinda realized I liked the life of ‘nothing’ no responsibilities, no work, no family, nothing - luckily for me, my parents have little or no expectations from me,and are already happy/proud of me and I can not seem to do much to tarnish this - (they know most everything bad I have done), so I am set there - I just need to find a way to get rid of anything else anyone else expects from me. Then I am ‘really’ retired. my extended family expects NOTHING from me, my immediate family consists of a wife and three step kids. Now, Islamically, in technical terms I am not too responsible for the kids (but I do enjoy them), and Fatima, well she’s an adult, she can take care of herself -

Oh, my love, my darling,
I’ve hungered for your touch a long, lonely time,
Time goes by so slowly and time can do so much.
Are you still mine?
I need your love, I need your love, God speed your love to me.

Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea
To the open arms of the sea
Lonely rivers sigh, ‘Wait for me, wait for me’
‘I’ll be coming home, wait for me!’

Are you still mine?
I need your love, I need your love, God speed your love to me

Growing up and realizing things, AND accepting them doesn’t really suit me to well. I do not think that I can actually, ‘healthily’ come to terms with all of the problems I have caused for others, or the ones I have caused myself. Nor am I able to understand the problems which no one is directly responsible for (I don’t really care about the ones that do not effect me, unsurprisingly any and all problems anyone else has I can easily come to terms with) - as for problems other people cause me, I guess I have been fairly spared from them -

I do not think I will want to blog anymore, I think I have had a change of heart, OR, the fact that I know certain persons still read this make it so that I am not able to say clearly what I want to say anymore (even with the layers, etc.) -

(of course, I won’t actually stop), it just feels so dramatic to say that I will stop that I wanted to say it - I do kinda hope one day to stop, like sooner than later -

When I was younger I snuck into a cage, a cage I really REALLY had no place sneaking into - this cage had bouncers that were somehow automatic, people were sprawled around - and apparently no one had gotten in. I suppose since I was smaller and younger, no one paid me any attention.

Ok, firstly, I hate it, I hate it, and I hate it - I do not want to partake in it anymore. I want to hate it and hate it until its gone, and its gone, and Im away and away. So I hate it, and I loathe it. But what is the object of my HATRED. Its so simple. I do not like not having my cake, and eating it. I want the world to revolve around me, and I will not stand to be constipated as my life flashes me by.

My shoulders are hurting, my stomach is hurting, my intestines are hurting, my fingers hurt. Peace is a nice idea. Its nice to have peace amongst enemies, families, friends. It is also nice to be able to chillax in peace. I need to learn how to sleep at a reasonable hour like a reasonable man. I need to realize there is more to life then just staying awake until I fall asleep - I also need a slice of pizza more often then I am able to find in Jordan, especially considering the fact that in all honesty - I am unable to consume it without getting sick. I need to find a better and healthier way to eat - I too often dominate the eating habits of those around me. For example, fatima loves fish. The last time we had fish after maybe a year was when our familes visited after Hajj a few days ago, since she wanted to make fish for my dad (she herself likes fish a lot also) -

My children are actually sick of pizza. If I ask them if they want pizza, the answer is no - almost 99 times out of 100. I made KIDS sick of pizza. How bizzare

Some, very few stories, do not grow old. No matter how hard you try to forget them (not talking about discomforting things here) you would not be able to forget them. Smiles, warmth goes a long way in overcoming many obstacles. If your always smiling, its hard to have a real problem with you or with the person you have a problem with. Its not completely clear what I mean to say, but its out there one way or the other. Smiling makes so many great things ten times better, sometimes thousand times - A different angle of the exact same situation, minus all of the non smiley parts just rocks unbelievably. I am finally going to start seeing what this Kharabsheh stuff is all about, I Just wish the ‘guys’ who were there weren’t such hippy losers. (note, I do not mean to mock or backbite them) but unless your already a nerdy sit and talk about ‘the feelings’ of life, spirituality kinda person - a place like kharabsheh is going to be like walking into a i dunno, you know those preppy areas where everyone is just so gay? Thats the way its going to be. But again, I have only met a handful of people from there here and there around amman. Its easy to freak them out, just say anything, ‘real’ what so ever, and bahm. One somewhat not preppy joke, and you will see what i mean. Smile at the sufis mate. Keep smiling..

I am doing better in a few things. My dreams are cooler also. Yesterday I dreamed I was the God Father. I am drinking a nice warm cup of coffee. I am eating vegetables. I am eating fruits. I am eating.

Sas

“The Rose”
Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you its only seed.
It’s the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin’
that never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun’s love
in the spring becomes the rose.