IN Digestion

The air conditioner is leaking water or something, its somethign simple easy to fix, but I don’t know how to do it (I could probably sort it out) but its so make shift already, I don’t feel like sorting out how to clean the pipes and re-attach it all - so WE HAVe to call the guy with the warranty service to come fix it.

It is HOT. We have a fan in here, but its just not the same. You know -

You know -

I am going to work today, rememer earlier when i mentioned, I should drink coffee and stay up all night, well I did not, I got some seven up in me though, so I am still wide awake, and its only 4:45 am - about 6 hours before I got to meet up.

So, 6 hours, and still not sleepy.

And (ok, I did not REALLY WORK last night) BUT - I seriously need some alone time to wind down. I came home and went straight to bed, then woke up with  people who kept coming into my room - I am not sure why AT ALL that would happen, firstly here are 3 bathrooms, and there are plenty of places to just be. So I woke up and came out and burgers were being made. So, I had a burger.

But, something is SERIOUSLY amiss here. I am not getting anything done here. Home is suppose to be a place where you can work easily, every day I have a new story.

For example, today, Ah nevermind, listen.

Sas

You know what — I have been doing a lot of thinking and realistically and practically speaking if I do not finish these last several projects before I retire, I will feel guilty for a LONG LONG TIME. Also most of the work is for people who are pretty much friends, so its like double guilt, if they were just work related things, I might still leave - (but I have never left a job EVER, just been fired, it just takes a VERY long time to get fired here, I begged a guy to fire me for months, and he ended up trying to hire me many more times).

But so I decided to grow up and finish all of this, and retire. So I WILL, and I have to - seriosuly, IN WILL never even materialize into what I want to do with it unless I do (and every 1 hour muslimpad.com keeps crashing too, LOL). This is a joke. So (by the way I am loaded with cash, I got paid early, so I do not have to tell ANYONE for at least a day or two, and Adee took away my credit card also, so no access to my american funds either :()) So I came into work today, (I did try to convince them that there is not much I can really do, but one of my managers, HE INSISTS on following some arcane rules and what not, so even though there is nothing, for just one day, he wants me to stay at work and stay even if I have nothing to do, so I kinda did some stuff.) I sent off e-mails to all the clients stuff that I am in charge of, and followed up - usually something I suck at, and now I have a good hour or so before I have to leave, I called up Mr. Yazan to come pick me up early (everyones gone, and I have strange hours because of legal stuff) - but, to my surprise, and to my dismay too. I CAN BE a neat freak even though I myself do not always clean up so well. I have been meaning to clean the kitchen and living room for the past few days, Milk was spilled on a rug, and there is a MESS all over the kicthen (the dishes are relatively well routinely cleaned and what not) but too be honest, you have flour every where, egg shells, cracked eggs that (I won’t eat them) but the people who say they will make something out of them have not MADE anything out of them), and a load of laundy is still sitting in the cleaner, WAITING for me to turn it on. (Honestly, I am not that lazy, its just that this is my only time off of family in about 3 or 4 years, I had some mini vacations you could say in the last few years, but hotels SUCK, and I HATE eating out, especially in the states, but last time I was there, I found a nice halal pakistanmi restaurant close to me, and that turned out to be wicked. But besides that, this is like my little mini vacation, and I get to do what EVER i want, and too be honest, I spend so much of my non vacation time ‘partying’ for the lack of a better word, its not really partrying, i mean again we are muslims, so there are limits, but I am already used  to pretty much just chilling 24×7 with fatima and friends and what not), so I am spending most of my vacation walking around in boxers surprising people left and right. See, every day someone new is over, eithere family of friends, or friends of friends, or friends of friends of friends, and everyone keeps bringing lots of junk food, so thats nice of them - but its perfect, in a situation like this, I do not really have to spend time with anyone and I can kinda do whatever I want, and lately since its my first I guess you can say reaxed vacation, I am mostly just siting around sulking about my 3 projects, that  I MUST do before I retire (GOD, AM I HUNGRY right now, and you know what, there is absoultely nothing at home that I Want to eat, I suppose, I will just have some corn flakes and cereal when I get home) but so when I called Yazan, he said, I can’t come to get you right now, me and these guys are cleaning up your home!

So yes, that surprised me, especially since when he came over around 2:30 to take me to work, he took a fork and put it into a plate of sphagetti (which was HORRIBLE by the way, except the fact that it was yummy and more of a pizza or lasagna then a sphagetti, and the best part was the cheese (GOD, AM I HUNGRY, I will kill someone), so right as he took a fork, he dropped some of the sphagetti INTO MY SPOON AND FORK Drawer somehow. Now, hes a nice guy and all, but HOW DOES ONE DO THAT in the first 2 minutes that they are in a HOME. HOW HOW HOW.

Anyway, the night before, he told me, sas, don’t clean anything - tommorrow, I will clean everything, (in the morning) so when morning came, and he came much past it, too be honest, i was not expecting a clean home at al - but, you know what, I am LOOKING forward to going to a clean home, but I have NO IDEA on earth what I can eat. I have some beef, but I don’t feel like cooking, I have some chicken, but that would require DEFROSTING and COOKING. I can not eat out anymore, I can’t think of anything that I want to go out and get and bring. We have some chicke burgers, but I am really not in the mood, and grilled cheese sandwiches just sound disgusting (GOD< I REALLY hope somene picked up some fruits, we never get our fruits the main mall, as selection is bad and the prices are RIDICULOUS, so HOPEFULLY someone picked some up in shaa Allaah).

So (still have a good 20 minutes left before anyone will be here to pick me up) - I have an early meetimg tommorrow morning, 10:30 AM. I have two choices considering how off my sleep has been. Sleeping pills, or 5 cups of cofffee, I am still not entirely sure which one I will do - coffe means I might work tonight, and stay up all night and make the meeting. Or sleeping pills will mean that I fall asleep and wake up early enough to get to the meeting on time. I HATE morning meetings, All meetings should be dinner meetings (which last night I still somehow managed to miss) - And you know what, I am sick of meetings anyway. I am only used for one thing anyway. ‘Making Sales’ I am not even in SALES, but thats all I AM USED for, “making Sales’ - (tommorrow incidentally enough is not a sales meeting though, so I am actualy looking forward to it, but WAKING UP OR staying up ALL night to get into a meeting, is what makes this world a HORRIBLE place. See if i get to paradise, its not going to be like this, I will just wake up whenever I want, and work whenever I Want. And only the best parts of this life will be a part of it.

I really need to sit down right now and as I write this come up with an idea about what I will eat, I want some nice hot steaming BOILED rice with some curry or chicken, that sounds entirely yummy. And you know what, I AM NOW ABSOLUTELY ROYALLY PISSED OFF, ok nevermore i am not. I have a ‘rage’ problem I get very upset very easily, and just because of how mad I got about 20 seconds ago, I was going to go waste about 50 bucks on some restaurant, because - of this msn conversation, I Just had with Mr. Yazan (it turns out, hes just joking with me apparently) -

Actually I just realized, nothing gets me more decided about food then being upset. Every and each time I have ever been upset, I think I have easily been able to make up my mind about food and get some food, and I LOVE to eat alone when I am mad. Its the FUNNEST thing in the world, 15 MORE MINUTES!

Ok, now that I am not actually mad, I still need to figure out the food situation, there is no more sphagetti sauce anyway to make sphagetti with, and I am still not up to making my own sauce. What to eat, what to eat.

Oh yea, well back to the original thing I was getting at, I am actually looking forward to finishing these projects in a nice manner (I turned down any thing else that might pop up, and DID pop up), and once I am done. I will well though, I won’t be exactly doing what I want to be doing. You know what, I feel like maybe going to a movie thing is the movie theater is so FREAKING far. I hate watching movies in jordan, its a whole day event too be honest. I want some cinn-a-bon though maybe or something, i dunno.

I am hungry.

I want to eat, I HAVE no idea what I am going to eat, I wish these thoughts did not consume each and every day of my life.

Three. I guess in many ways, its really just three.

Sas

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows, only time?
And who can say if your love grows,
As your hearth chose, only time?

Who can say why your heart sights,
As your live flies, only time?
And who can say why your heart cries
when your love lies, only time?

Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be ,in your heart?
and who can say when the day sleeps,
and the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart…..

Who can say if your love groves,
As your heart chose, only time?
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time?

Who knows? Only time
Who knows? Only time

I decided today that instead of NEVER making MY OWN Sphagetti Sauce, I would just go out and buy some, at the same time, I decided I would also go ahead and PUT cHEESE on my  sphagetti., So I went out to buy groceries. I bought:

1. Mozorella Cheese
2. BURGERS (I HATE THEM, but honestly, they are so FAST TO MAKE)
3. Small Cuts of Beed (Im gonna make something with  SHAN PACKETS FOR SURE)
4. TWO FROZEN CHICKENS
5. CHIPS
6. LOTS OF POP
7. LOTS OF TISSUES
8. LOTS OF

Nevermind the rest, I ate burgers, and I HATED IT - I AM SERIOUSLY SICK OF cOOKING AND CLEANING ALL of the time.

Sas

So today, well last night, I decided, well enough is enough, its time to work - So out of my 3 big projects, I decided ok tonight I will do it - So, as i prayed isha and what not, i felt all motivated, and wasted most of this motivation on watching the last season of sopranos (or as much of it as I could). Basicallly, I REALLY LIKE THIS SHOW. I found out about it by mistake one day, and never realized they made an ENTIRE TV series with a looming story arc and everything on TV. (I Prefer long drown out tv based shows to pretty much anything there) and about the Mafia none the less!

But its a REALLY depressing story by the end, the first four seasons or so are so much fun, but the last season - your depressed out of your mind NO JOKE. (and beautifully for me, I found out about this show after I came to Jordan, so I can watch them all in sequence) so

Instead of working, I got motivated to work, and watched a few episodes and said, ok After I am done, I will work - needless to say soon enough Fajr rolled around, and I prayed and then I wanted to relax, so I proped myself up on the sofa and turned on the air conditioner, and went to bed for a bit.

Then I woke up, and said, ok realistically speaking, if your gonna do this work, you should sleep first (ive had about 2 weeks to do this, and told go get it done at home even do whatever youwant, when you come in 3 o clock this day (today) have it done. So I lied down, and woke up around 11AM. Then, I had a horrible dream, so I relaxed myself, had a cup of water, and went back to bed for an hour.

Ok, now, I have 3 hours to finish up, well 2 hours and 45 minutes -

I decided, now or never. So I instead of working again, just sat down and dazed for a while, and made myself some breakfast, I boiled some eggs, had some juice and made a cup of coffee. That whole proccess took about 30 minutes.

THEN I WORKED, WORKED harder then Ihave worked ALL month maybe, and got it done! Somehow or the other, I managed to get it done, and got a phone call from my manager around 2:00 clock asking if I can come in around 3, then I asked if I can come in around 3:30 - PERFECT, 30 more minutes, time to take a shower. Anyway too be honest, I was feeling abit gay and Ill tell you why. I have no pants, AT ALL - I have a pair of jeans I got from Yazan (long story made short, when I became religous along time ago, notknowing any better, I threw out all of my clothes, and bought a bunch of dish dashes, thinking its my sure way to jannah) needless to saym since then I only have what my mom buys, and she usually just buys me fancy pants, etc. and what not, since i have no say in it - so I only have lots of dress pants, and sweats - the two things that she buys. So i figured, ok no time for sweatds today, lets dress up. I decidd notime for a shave (now these days, im shaving every other day because of the acne medication my mom sent, which who knows if it reallly works, ornot, its just  something to do and more of an excuse to shave (I LOVE playing, messing around with my hair and my facial hair, ive been an addict, ive been shaving since i was like a kid even with fake stuff), so I have this tiny little scruffle right now. No problem, but combine that with some weird trendy fashinable jeans with designsall oevr them (since they are the only non dress pants, and non sweats that I own), I without looknig picked up a shirt and put it on. Now, im a VERY VERY FrAIL and skinnt yperson, so i look fruit as it is sometimes, but no worries for now about that, it felt too tight, i looked at myself inthe mirror, and realized, god there is no WAY on earth ican wear it adn it turned out to be a shocking blue thing. Maybe some day, but not today not with the jeans, and its TOO tight, so it dawened on me, that recently everytibg i have is SHRINKING. Or I am getting bigger, I knowi amnotget getting bigger. SO it tirned out that my shirts really are shrinking, so after trying a few more things irealized EVERYTING is a bit too tight. Ok, no worires, dig deeper and I found myself a loose t-shirt, and its not that shrunk but IM JUST NOT Used to it, im usually used to wearing oversized and baggy shirts , its what ive worn my entire life. Anyway

So, nedless to say, i was already thinking about ‘gay’ stuff, now again iHave no problem withit, imjust trying to show u thestate of my mind at the time.

So I took a shower, and I always feel very prissy after a shower and today, of ALL DAYS, i saw raginglgy mad I like to use those body wash squeegie thigns that girls use, one day  I saw one and i was moved by it, so I bought it, and it stays in my shower. SOMEONE moved it, that means SOMENE took my squeegie thing that I USE to waash mybodywith themim feeling fruity and moved it to the other shower, i stormed inthere, took it back and got body wash (whenI am gonna be fruity, imgonna use bodywash too, scented none the less).

So i took a nice hot shower, and I used body soap (somethign ive not done in a while) and I used the body scrubber to exfoliate my skin and cleanse it, and I used conditioner too, and after I came out, i put oil in my hair too - why not.In fact I even used anti perspirant, i was feeling veryfruity, and my underarms were totally smooth, like a baby, just kept going and I at the end, figuered why not, ive not been at the office in weeks = let me put on some perfume too, so I did.

So now, its like imall dressed up and ready to go to work, i get to work, and find out i can not do anything, so I take 100 JODS from my manager, and I willwork from home again - and I will come back in at night to work on a VERY VERYinane stupid sillyporblem that I can not dowhile everyone else is at the office.

So keep in mind, im already feeling veryfruity, gay and and dressed up for a lack of better word, and im thin too

So on my way back, I flag down a taxi driver, I have no small bills on me, so I call Adee, hes on the phone, it does not work, then I call yazanand ask himif hes still at my house, and he is, then I ask if Adee is still at my house,, he is there, then I ask him to have Adee meet me downstais with some small change to pay the taxi (I Onlyhave two fifties). So, on the way there it becomes veryclear that this taxi driver is not muslim -

It also becomes very clear that he is interested in talking to me about sex, he is fascinated to learn that I am not from jordan, he is fascinated to know that I am married and 25 years old, and he is fascinated speciifcally about my sexual leansings I guess. He is asking if I like to have sex, (specifically min waraa, from behind, i.e. anal sex) and I defelct bysaying not soo much, I explain to him that smoking is my only real vice that I can not seem to leave, he asks me if I have a girl friend while my wife is gone, i indicate no, he asks me if I live alone, and I was like yea, I am very lonely, do youwant to have some tea (its not REALLY what I want to say, but my arabic is not good enough to make actual sense, so Iuse myown words in my own way) then he is ALL HAPPy and even giggley, this is a 45-48 year old sleezy looking thin man. Then he asks me if he can give me a massage (now, i gave him benefit of the dount and told him I do not want any sharmootas (prostitutes) thinking that he was willingn to take me to a hooker or something, and hes like no no no, not that, I meant, oh from ‘rajul?’ and hes like YES, and im thinking, ok not too bad, a free massage, I guess I could use one - why not. Then he asks if he can come in and if i am  alone, and not wanting to destroythis opportunity cause well to be honest, its the most inttesring person i have met all week, I say yes, i am alone (there are 3 guys in my apartment) -

So, I agree to the massage, and try to coax him into my house, but when he realized I am with someone, he BOLTS out of there so fast - too be honest, i was just having a nice time and was hoping to have a guest over for some tea - but he REALLY MUST have been gay. No other reason why he bolted out of there, and Adee immediately knew something was too strange - if he is/was gay, that would make just too many gays I have met here in amman (seriosuly, there are a lot ot gay bars and what not going in  this ‘city’) - its like being inthe artsy area of some towns inthe states.

For the past several days, weeks, months maybe even - I have become INCREASINGLY mortified at the thought of not having children. I am not sure why, I know, I would not make a great parent too be honest, if I had a son or  a daughter, id probably let them do whatever they want forever, including any and all sins or whatever. I just can’t imagine subjecting my children to any rules -

But, Its driving me absolutely nuts, I am not necesseraily doing anything towards making it better, all around me all I see are little kids, all the movies I am watching lately, I make sure it has something heavily family oriented - its not that smart

But, I REALLY really want children, and i want them NOW. I don’t want to even wait anymore, I am not even sure what I want more, too retire, or to have kids. I want a little kid, to take WITH me everywhere forever -

Adopted kids no worries, but they won’t look like me. So thats not going to work, also, I remember always getting annoyed that (or was I? maybe i was not, it mgiht have been the wives) when my friends would bring their kids, oh yea, for sure, it was not the kids, id usually amuse myself with them, it was their NAGGING HORRIBLE wives who would ruin my time) -

Anyway, this is SERIOUSLY DEPRESSING ME NOW. I am 25. NO KIDS. NO KIDS.

Sas

Last night, I spoke to my parents for two hours (needless to say, one thing that will come out of that is I have to stop writing suchweird and depressing posts, my mombecame ultra worried, and I had tohave myfriends talk to her to explain that its just a bit exaggerated because its funner to be stupid, etc.) -

So I spoke to them for a long time, and the only thing I couldthink about was how much I miss myfamily, being in ohip pand wanting my own kids in the same manner that I amthe child of myparents. IStill don’t want them in the end, but as a desire orr as a want, MY BILOICAL clckis ticking, and Iwant children so badly. I guess the best part og having a child would be if she was a daughter and to throw her a wedding (but, i dont think i feel so fomrtable withher getting married either, but either wayit seems like a wickedly fun part of being a father) - one ofthose things to do when ur older.

But alas, my dream ontheother hand was a nboit bizzare.

1. I went to Ohio
2. All my family, and ALL my best friends (like not everyone, just the REALLY REALLY close ones, and only two of them.
3. My mom ordered Pepero piza (whch I normally do not like AT ALL, but I had slices as soo as I got to the party, inthe deep evening, and in the morning, and it was actually YUMMY, I NORMALLLY HATE peperiznopizza)
4. And some weird thing where some of us went to a school and installed video cameras into a guys locker room? and then it turned out to be a girls locker room, it was really bizzare, as I had noidea whats happening untilits veyr late into the dream,and by then its not an issue anymore because I lost a shirt there, and I snuck back in late at night spending over an hour looking for it.

Anyway needless to say when i woke up, that dream really did me in for a umber.

Sas

For a few days now, we ran out of tissues, and toilet paper - (I don’t use or even really feel comfortable with the whole idea of toilet paper so no biggie there) but, I sneeze a LOT. Especially when I wake up, and especially in stressful situations so basically I have been using water to wash  off my face a LOT.

Now, late this evening (around 1am maybe?, maybe just 11ish or 12ish) Yazan dropped by, so I was like great, I can get out and get a few things.

I picked up some milk, bread (only to discover that in fact there was a pack already in the freezer, which again ive only come  accroess here recently in jordan), so I got apple jacks, milk, juice and a coke (mango and apple).

Anyway since I came back, ive been kicking myself for not having tissues, i just washed up and put on some fresh clothes, only to start lauhging while drinking apple juice - well since then, well fristly, I started coughing and sneezing a lot and lots of spit too came out (when i was laughing while trying to down some juice), so only now has it subsided, and i have a ton of spit and snot (light snot) aall over my t-shirt, and face and, well, there in lies the fact i forgtot to get tissues yet once again (see this is whay im always saying these things should be stocked up on BIG time).

Anyway, a lot more to say, but I REALLY don’t feel good right this moment. Somethings are WAY to WAY to WAY to impactful even though they really really should notbe.

Sas

If I were a carpenter & you were a lady
Now would you marry me anyway? (would you marry me anyway)
Would you have my baby? (would you have my baby)
If I take on a tinkers trade, would you still find me?
Oh carryin' the pots I made (carryin' the pots I made)
Followin' closer behind me (followin' behind me) 

(Save my love through) lonliness (save my love for sorrow)
Cause I have given you my ownliness, give me part of your tomorrow 

If I work my hands in wood (yes I work my hands in wood)
Would you still love me?
Ah, answer me babe, yes I would
(Yes I would babe anyway)
I'd raise you high above me 

If I was a miller at a mill wheel grindin'
Now would you miss your color box?
(would you miss your color box)
& your soft shoes shining? (& your soft shoes shining)
If I were a carpenter & you were a lady
Girl, would you marry me anyway? (would you marry me anyway)
Want you have my baby? (would you have my baby) 

If I were a carpenter & you were a lady
Now would you marry me anyway
Won't you have my baby?