And I am RETIRED. I AM ABSOLUTELY AND POSITIVELY Retired.

Now, I am not 100% sure how long this is going to last, a REALLY good friend of mine just offered me a job when he heard I retired, and I ALMOST said yes - but I said, I will think about it. So, I will think about it -

But as of now, I AM RETIRED. COMPLETELY RETIRED.  DONE. DONE WITH LIFE. DONE.

DONE. DONE. DONE. And I have DONE NOTHING since I have been retired. I really thought I would enjoy it a lot more, but too be honest, its EVEN BETTER THAN I EVER THOUGHT IT could be - NOTHING - NOTHING to do. No place to go, no worries, NOTHING mates, NOTHING.

I am done.

HAHA. I AM DONE. AND I don’t turn 26 for two more months, so technically, I AM DONE at the age of 25!!!

Sas

Today is the greatest
Day I ve ever kown
Cant live for tomorrow
Tomorrows much too long
I burn my eyes out
Before I get out

I wanted more
Than life could ever grant
Bored by the chore
Of saving face

Today is the greatest
Day I have ever known
Cant wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
Ill tear my heart out
Before I get out

Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
Ive tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings

Today is
Today is
Today is
The greatest day
That I have ever known

I want to turn you on
I want to turn you round
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you

Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever known

The Day Fatima did not Leave Me

I am not a celebratory or festive person (I usually forget my own birthday, let alone remember anyone elses), I mean to some it seems that I am, maybe easily excitable is a better way to describe me - but today, in the morning I found out that Fatima is NOT going to Divorce me., and its the only time in my life I have ever wanted to celebrate anything - and I can breathe a sigh of relief. Shes not leaving me!

You have to understand something, there is no real reason that she should stay - I am a HORRIBLE husband, and pretty much any thing you can think of that you SHOULD not do, I have done - and even that she has always forgiven me for. But in the last few weeks, I have hurt her like no person can hurt any one person, period. Forget having an Affair, or cheating on her, or being an abusive alcoholic - worse than any of those things. And I was literally scared to death that she would leave me, and I know she seriously considered it and almost went for it - but in the end, she stayed because she loves me, for no other reason. Today is the greatest day of my life, more important to me then my birthday, the actual date of our marriage or any other day (i say past, because I do not plan to be so anymore, even though Fatima has not asked me to change any one thing except one thing - and that is to Join the Sufi Shadili Tariqa). But basically from this day onwards I am making some severe changes to give my wife, someone I love to death, everything that she wants from me. (She really doesn’t want that much, but I Have about 4 or 5 years of damage that I want to undo).

And to be honest, I actually want to do it, I am looking forward to it and this is going to be the day that I celebrate into the future.

Thank You for EVERYTHING. I love you,

Sas

Now, if it was a family/private blog only, I would name actual names, but since its still to public and seeable, I can’t name names, so FUCK IT. I won’t name the names, but you know whomever you are, that I hate you, your hypocrites, and I have no respect for you at all. Your all a bunch of cluster fucks, and hate me ALL you want, but I am a million times better then your entire cluster fuck. I am not THAT bad of a person. So fuck off you whiny gay ass cock suckers.

(In shaa Allaah this will be the absolute last time I ever get mad again, or hate anyone, but you know what, it felt really good to get that off my chest).

Sas

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad

(This post FOR ONCE will be explained).

I might however still post a video up later on - apparently all the sufis in Jordan are a bunch of queer gay loving faggots who refuse to be on tv by command of their seige lord Shaikh Nuh (you know sometimes, I ask myself why the hell I am even a sufi, biggest group of hags I have ever met in my life), so this documentary producer had to settle by including me in some kinda documentary about converts to Islam (though I am not really a convert to Islam). So basically i got a day off of work, while they filmed me, and I will be on tv sometime - I MIGHT put that up late ron when it airs, just well because, I don’t think I can shy away from being INSANELY HAPPY at seeing my self in a video on my website.

Now, I will post up some meaningful lyrics, and I will give a MILLION dollars TO ANYONE who can figure out what this song means to me - just consider it a type of game of some sorts. Its fun, lol - but really there is only one person on EARTH who has any chance so, its not really fair, but still the offer stands - 1 MILLION dollars (or some other amounr or something, but seriosuly, I will compensate you) if you figure out the meaning of this song.
Er I guess some people that know me in real life, MIGHT have a chance at putting it all together -, but HIGHLY doubtful

One of the best beatles songs EVER.

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me ?
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
And I’ll try not to sing out of key.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away
(Does it worry you to be alone ?)
How do I feel by the end of the day,
(Are you sad because you’re on your own ?)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I’m certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can’t tell you but I know it’s mine,

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
with a little help from my friends.

Oh, Ammi, by the way won’t worry, I might (read: will) set up a private blog or something in the mean time for family and friends or something, so no worries, I am not disappearing (sometimes my mother complains that she only knows whats going on in my life by blog lol). Serisouly, I HAVE the best mom in the world. If she ever senses something is wrong or that i am sad from my blog, immediately she will call me, and if she cant get a hold of me, all my friends until someone puts me in touch with her. I LOVE YOU a LOT mom

See you guys in like one year or so.

Oh wait, one thing, I will address for now since its just come up TO TO TO many times, and actually now that this blog is not a scape goat, maybe it can be used for something else lol.

Cigarettes

=================

The number one question I get in life from everyone is always related to smoking. So, I will address it now - known to some, uknownst to most and that includes family, wives, ex wives, moms, and close very close friends - truth be told, I have been smoking since a VERY young age and earlier I used to have tremendous self control to kinda try to stop, and also being young and it being illegal and all helped - but in the end, I never ‘ever actually quit’ smoking. I just stopped it at certain times, or was very careful only to do it at certain times and around certain people. And I guess at sometimes even for long stretches of time, I would kick the habit - but its always been there, its always been one of those things just kinda there. And for a long time, only some very close friends new - and no one else knew.

Now, somewhere along the line , as the lines in life became blurry, ESPECIALLY AFTER becoming a sufi, and the lines become blurrier and blurrier, now its apparently ok to worship graves, shave your beard and dance to music or whatever - I was like ok if I seriosuly believe that there is any legtimacy to it all, and by the way NONE of that stuff makes me ’spiritually’ better, I have no idea what these sufis are ACTUALLY ON that makes them think that this shit actually brings them closet to go d (but alas, I accept it a theoretical level) - you know what, there is only a handful of thigns I truly enjoy in life, Drugs, liquor, anything that alters you in any way shape or form - cigarettes are a natural part of someone who chooses to live their life as a druggie. I was well on my way to becoming a druggie, I was getting into harder drugs, more dangerous drugs, whatever you want to call them and I fully intended on abusing my body until I died with any chemical that would not destroy it completely. Seriosuly, this was proabably the only goal I ever had in life - no joke - I LOVE drugs, I love the idea of drugs, in fact the only way I can even imagine Jannah is that its like some incredble high or some crazy trip that never ends. Bottom Line, I was on my way to becoming and I wanted to be a druggie. I had alienated myself from thefew friends I had, aquired a new set of friends, and was taking the necceseray precautions financaillyand otherwise to become a heavy drug user.

Well, somewhere along that time also, somehow Islam hit me, and only two things about becoming Muslim depressed me. Well let me see, ok MUSIC, bit big downer, ok well three things. The idea that I had to actually listen to anyone, like say your parents or the ameer, or whatever - I did not like that any human can tell me what to do and that its wrong for me not to do so, second thing, music, and third drugs. Now, I was ok with being away from like all the major stuff, but cigarettes and beer, to be without those two things - for ever, until life - I mean I accepted it, but ah, as I mentioned those three things, eh kinda depressed me.

Well so now that you know the background, it should not surprise anyone that well since I am a sufi now, who shaves his beard whenever hes bored of the look - I AM OBSESSED with my hair, so its only natural that I am obsessed with my facial hair as well. (by the way obsessession not on comingit all the time or anything or alwyas looking at it, i just have a very close and personal reationreltionship with my hair)

So, since I already think its ok to worships graves or whatever youwant to call it (istigatha) , I see people DANCING while making dhikr, and Somehow evidence wise and theoretically and what not I believe that that is actually OK. How this ever came about, I can’t even begin to understand - and since well, too be honest, I don’t have to many other things in life I really RELLY enjoy. When the opportunity presented itself to smoke again and smoke more (making new friends, some of who were heavy smokers) I jumped on the opportunity and since most any and everys scholar already considers it mostly offenisve versus prohibited anyway.

If you know all of that background about me, its not that I just started to smoke in these last few years, ive been smoking for a while - and I am REALLY so so so grateful to everyone who cares or did care, it meant a lot to me - I do possess the ability to actually stop and quit, and do it every so now and again and it is hard, VERY HARD to do so, truth be told, each time I told anyone that I was planning to quit, it was usually a lie, unless I had like an ‘emanrush’ or something, then it was probably true - but truth be told, ive been smoknig openly for a while, I LOVE IT TO DEATH, I wish I could smoke until the day I die, but I won’t and I have every intention in the world to quit at the age of 30. So I really have no intention to quit now, nor do I want to, and they symbolize ALL OF DRUGS to me, and honest to god, i even feel closer to Allaah when I smoke. Now how can that be? I don’t know, but if people get closer to god by dancing, and singing and clapping and all that other fucking stuff they do. I will let cigarettes take me closer to god too , (that will be my ‘good innovation’ that I am adding to the world, LOL). (What I mean is I like thinking abou god, listening to quran, making dhikr, etc. while smoking) - Its like that song closer from nine inch nails, same idea maybe.

But mom, ESPECIALLY for you and some of my good friends who are sincerely concerned (and again, thank you so much for the concern) - I have every intention on earth to quit smoking at the age of 30. I do want to live a long life, and don’t look forward to lung cancer and all of that stuff. Until then, I am going to be 26 in september, so that means I have a good 4 years and a few months left before I quit. BUT I WIll quit, don’t worry, so no worries inshaa Allaah, and now you know, why sometimes you might see me smoking or if your a reader might see some thing to that effect on this blog.

Oh  yea also, the other question is always how much do I smoke, - I smoke  on average about a pack and a half a day.

Ill see you NEXT YEAR! (Make Duaa I am actually retired by then)

Sas

But seriously, what do you do when you literally live in a dream (By the way, one of the three projects, somehow, somewhere I got it finished, it only took about SEVEN hours, I made my company about $6,000 in seven hours, so I feel quite, eh, not guilty, LOL. – So what do you do if you live in a dream, well for one thing you need a sound track that keeps playing in your head while you dream. I LOVE car rides, but I am a horrible ‘bring along’ in a car ride. Its nice, quiet, either too hot, or too cold, or too perfect – either of those settings being perfect when your just sitting still.

I have literally, I mean LITERALLY been dreaming for about 24 hours straight. Why, because, firstly, I was exhausted at work – the night before I had not slept (the reason being I decided just get it over with, finish the last three episodes of Sopranos up, so I did) – and somehow it turned into Fajr – which then turned into VERY BADLY, I mean SO SO badly wanting to go to sleep. By the way, I now know for sure, that this is my life, this is how I want to do it, no wife, no family, no children, (I want them all, but I mean, I don’t think I can live with these things, no responsibilities, no examples to set, no being careful, not having an impact on anyone, its SO much better and easier for me, so I HAVE to have my own place, I need it, I will DIE without it. I will get it, SOON. But back to the dreams – By morning, I was exhausted and was waiting for it to become 7:30, so I could leave to work. Then, I fell ASLEEP. Exhausted as you are, when you fall asleep because you can not stay up for even a second longer, the dreams kick in, and they are SO SO SO vivid, I mean wickedly vivid – woken up by a phone cal at 9:00 am asking why I am not in at work, or if I am even coming (I was suppose to be in at 8 that morning). So I took a shower, tried my best to scarf down something and went to work – No real work to do, so Every half hour, I would go to the bathroom and sleep in the floor for fifteen minutes at a time. Each of those times, (as I was trying to stay awake, while just laying there with my eyes closed, dreams, day dreams, wonderful dreams – the BEST dreams. Then, I figured, ok when I get home, I am going to sleep RIGHT after Isha, and between ‘asr and maghrib as well. (If I miss a day of sleep, a regular 8 hour sleep won’t cut it for me). So, I was planning to put in 12 or so hours or so of sleep. A long story made short, and lots of time later, and a couple of pizzas too {oh, I am going to be on TV tomorrow) – I went to bed at 1AM. And I could not sleep. I took sleeping pills (now remember my body is exhausted, and again, I have to be IN at work by 8, and I can not sleep, and I just took sleeping pills, then I began battling myself to stay awake again, so again, somewhere somehow along the way, one hour of lying there with DAY DREAMS, and then the sleep kicks in by itself, and the NIGHT dreams begin. WICKED. Now this is like a LOT of hours of dreams right in a row – so now, I come into work, I look fresh, but again, if I don’t put in 12 or so hours after missing a night, I FEEL exhausted, I AM DEAD tired, DEAD tired, BUT, voila since I did sleep some, I can muscle my way through half of the day, and UNKNOWNST to me, there is an Afternoon meeting close to Zarqa. That means, a HOT car, with me in the back for 30 minutes one way, a meeting that I don’t even have to say a word in, and a HOT car ride back, and its already time to go home. Needless to say, I had very nice day dreams while very hot and sweaty (I actually like that sometimes) both ways. Then After getting into the office, I am BURNING hot, BUT – the AC is on, BUT ITS STILL TO HOT, and I am here for a half hour more until my friend gets here to pick me up. So, (since I HAVE LONG HAIR ALHAMDUILLAH [ I am so glad I am not bald, my hair is my life ] ) I SOAKED IT, so it would keep me awake, and keep me cool, and I’ve just been sitting here smiling, dreaming and this song keeps playing as the SOUND track to my dreams. (Now the lyrics as beautiful as they are, are not the dreamy part, its actually the way its sung and the way that it sounds that contributes heavily to the dreamy way of it). Also, you guys have NO IDEA how wicked and beautiful and what not these dreams were, when I retire, I am just going to sit around dreaming until death in shaa Allaah, and I WILL NEVER SLEEP until exhaustation overtakes me, I hate this sleeping thing where you get in bed, just because you are tired. Sleep should be, when you CAN NOT keep your eyes open. And you should only wake, when you can’t keep your eyes closed anymore (it takes about 16 hours for me, but alas, prayer, so I can’t do that anymore) but in Jannah in shaa Allaah. In Jannah.

Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, it’s never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seems

I know I felt like this before
But now I’m feeling it even more
Because it came from you

Then I open up and see
The person fumbling here is me
A different way to be

I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
They’ll come true, impossible not to do
Impossible not to do

Now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don’t hurt me
For what I couldn’t find

Talk to me amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You’re everything to me

Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, it’s never quite as it seems
’cause you’re a dream to me
Dream to me

Around 10AM, Osama came in, and got the food ready, and there is literally NOT ONE washed dish, its been piling up for a week, and Adee started to take care of the dishes, and the jokes started again - That these are my two wives cleaning up and cooking while I ‘just sit and work’.

Its not so funny when you write it, but it brings something interesting up though. I think if I Was not muslim, I would defintely be gay - besides the whole sex thing, I am most definitely not into that. I think being married to men, or living with men would be a LOT less problematic then being married to women.

For example, you can treat a guy PRETTY bad, curse him, not pay him much  attention, and it rarely changes anything, no talks about feelings - EVER. He can spend a few hours cooking up a meal or something, and you can choose to go out for dinner with some friends instead, and eat the good stuff as left overs the next day - almost NO PROBLEMS.

I want, like Pancakes, Cocoa Pebbles, or Waffles, or Keema, or something - ANYTHING, but BOILED eggs. I can’t even remember what I used to eat before boiled eggs for breakfast earlier.

Sas

Last night, well yesterday actually I found out that one of my managers quit, and it had something to do with me. Basically, another co-worker and I were too hard to manage, and since there seemed little possibility of either of being fired - the manager due to the stress of having to work with us decided to pursue career opportunities elsewhere. The thing is, he was my favorite person in the entire company, I spent most of my time hanging out with him and he did a lot of terrific stuff for the company, I kinda noticed he was putting in too much effort and was afraid he would burn out, and apparently he did. That was kinda sad. But also, I started my medication a day ago, and firstly, I don’t think its working, I still feel sick as ever. But, I started my own stuff, cause I am thinking it might just be all in my head. So I decided to once and for all fix my sleeping habits. I petitioned my manager (before he quit) to resume normal working hours (now this means more hours, but less crazy hours). So I am back to working 9 to 5 - this also means, my day ends at 6 instead of at 9. Giving me plenty of time to cook, clean, hang out, go places at a reasonable time versus waking up around 2PM, and finding my way into work by 3 leaving at 9. So, I decided, at any costs, I will go to bed by 11 or 12 maximum. Luckily i Have not had to cook yet, we got a call from Osama, one of the nicest guys in the world, - will never make himself a burden and he offered to come over and cook, we have two chickens and some beef in the fridge. So, now that FIRST of all is a good person. a VERY GOOD Person. He knows my family is gone, he knows, I am probably  hungry, so he offered to come over and cook. So, I am really looking forward to this. In the mean time for breakfast today I ate:

1. Two Boiled Eggs
2. Bread
3. zaatar and Oil
4. Goat Cheese
5. An Apple, and a Pear
6. Water (3 cups).

I feel VERY VERY healthy and good and focused, so I can work. By the way if in these next two days (Friday and Saturday), I finish up this project, You HAVE no idea how great everything will be. I will literally be able to coast for the rest of my remainder here for a long time, as no guilt, no worries, and a nice project to boot. So I am really looking forward to working. Also, for the last 3 days, I am coming home by 6ish, so I come home, relax, and never even have to look at the computer, I have decided to not bother working from home (except this weekend) - as working from HOME and from WORK just sucks. Of course, I still have to be semi call while they fix up all this network madness, but its died down the last couple of days.

I now also feel I have no need for a car, but the stakes are too high, so I will get a CRUMMY, DISGUSTING car for a RIDICULOUS price of almost 7k US. But, hey, at least I will go back to having a car. The thing is I really enjoy not having one. I walked to the masjid for friday prayer today, then walked over and bough 3 liters of milk. I have no idea how or why the milk goes by so fast, I suspect when the food runs out at my house, people begin drinking milk.

Also, two days ago, I met a really cool girl - too be honest so far the most interesting girl I have met in Jordan, so I got her phone number and gave her a call to ask her out for a cup of coffee. (I have no interest in dating her or anything, but she actually seemed like nice good interesting company to keep, more interesting then my usual set of friends here none the less) - at first to my surprise she accepted, but then she called back and tricked me into doing some kind of project with her and her friends. So much  for that, but the project promises to be more interesting then just having a bunch of ‘arab’ guys sitting around the home. But about that, so I kicked everyone out of my house 3 days ago. I realized having guys over all the time, that if i am going to enjoy my vacation seeing them on my sofas, using my computers, using my stuff, was really starting to bug me out - so I asked them all to leave, and that I would invite them next time I wanted to see them - BUT, with strings attached, I decided that I will not let it get into the way of my sleep.

So (by the way, when I say friends, I am using the word very loosely, I am only friends with two of them) but basically I went out and bough SLEEPING PILLS to make sure that when its time for bed, no matter what else is going on, I will sleep. The thing is I am not used to sleeping until I am ‘exhausted’ where you can’t stay awake even if you want to.

So I got my sleeping pills, and I came home from work. Well actually what happened is, I hate to meet another friend over at a different part of town. So as I was leaving work, a friend of mine showed up un-announced, he wanted to hang out, and knew I was not having anyone over, - so he came over to pick me up and I was going to bum a ride from him to the location of the other friend. BUT, I stopped home to drop off some stuff, and so my friend could pray - and decided not to go out - I just wanted to stay home, listen to some quran, relax and goto bed. So somehow i caved in and some more guys came over, BUT at 11PM, I took my sleeping pills and went to bed.

When I woke up, I WOKE UP at 7:30 - let me tell you something, in NO history on earth have I ever woken up 7:30 AM on a Friday morning, NEVER - EVER. EVER. So I woke up, and Adee prepared this magnificent breakfast of what i mentioned earlier (this is after friday prayer) now you have to understand something when I woke up at 7:30 AM, the house was while not messy, not as ‘clean’ as it was before some of these guys (and one friend) came over. So, it was like, ok, I am NOT going to deal with this and went back to bed (after some quran though, it is Friday), but I Just laid there for a few hours and had the most enjoyable day dreams ever. EVER. I mean like in EVER. Usually when i day dream, I day dream while in the middle of something else or when I am exhausted, exhaustion day  dreaming is weird, because you can have some weird WEIRD dreams and not even realize, but its like I went to bed last night, woke up fresh, ate some fruits, took care of the obligations of the day, and lied down in bed, and day dreamed. Basically, a lot of preparation to DAY dream, and it freaking ROCKED.

Now, its 4:30 PM., and I actually started to work, and its going well.  I can’t believe this, but I may actually be done with LIFE soon. Really if by the time I am 26, I am not done with all of this, I will most certainly  have to take my own life, as I do not deserve it.

But, I am happy, and my day dream was amazing. It felt so real. There is only one person in the world who could even begin to understand it or that I would feel comfortable sharing it with though.