IN Digestion

Last yesterday, I decided well, I am close enough to getting everything done, that I actually can. I received a call from my mother yesterday, somehow she found out the phone number to my work cell. Not really sure HOW, as NO ONE knows it. She said, she will most definitely NOT come to Jordan to visit me, and that since I am an ADULT now, she will stop mommying me.  So I guess that means I have to go there now.

Last night, well yesterday actually I found out that one of my managers quit, and it had something to do with me. Basically, another co-worker and I were too hard to manage, and since there seemed little possibility of either of being fired - the manager due to the stress of having to work with us decided to pursue career opportunities elsewhere. The thing is, he was my favorite person in the entire company, I spent most of my time hanging out with him and he did a lot of terrific stuff for the company, I kinda noticed he was putting in too much effort and was afraid he would burn out, and apparently he did. That was kinda sad. But also, I started my medication a day ago, and firstly, I don’t think its working, I still feel sick as ever. But, I started my own stuff, cause I am thinking it might just be all in my head. So I decided to once and for all fix my sleeping habits. I petitioned my manager (before he quit) to resume normal working hours (now this means more hours, but less crazy hours). So I am back to working 9 to 5 - this also means, my day ends at 6 instead of at 9. Giving me plenty of time to cook, clean, hang out, go places at a reasonable time versus waking up around 2PM, and finding my way into work by 3 leaving at 9. So, I decided, at any costs, I will go to bed by 11 or 12 maximum. Luckily i Have not had to cook yet, we got a call from Osama, one of the nicest guys in the world, - will never make himself a burden and he offered to come over and cook, we have two chickens and some beef in the fridge. So, now that FIRST of all is a good person. a VERY GOOD Person. He knows my family is gone, he knows, I am probably  hungry, so he offered to come over and cook. So, I am really looking forward to this. In the mean time for breakfast today I ate:

1. Two Boiled Eggs
2. Bread
3. zaatar and Oil
4. Goat Cheese
5. An Apple, and a Pear
6. Water (3 cups).

I feel VERY VERY healthy and good and focused, so I can work. By the way if in these next two days (Friday and Saturday), I finish up this project, You HAVE no idea how great everything will be. I will literally be able to coast for the rest of my remainder here for a long time, as no guilt, no worries, and a nice project to boot. So I am really looking forward to working. Also, for the last 3 days, I am coming home by 6ish, so I come home, relax, and never even have to look at the computer, I have decided to not bother working from home (except this weekend) - as working from HOME and from WORK just sucks. Of course, I still have to be semi call while they fix up all this network madness, but its died down the last couple of days.

I now also feel I have no need for a car, but the stakes are too high, so I will get a CRUMMY, DISGUSTING car for a RIDICULOUS price of almost 7k US. But, hey, at least I will go back to having a car. The thing is I really enjoy not having one. I walked to the masjid for friday prayer today, then walked over and bough 3 liters of milk. I have no idea how or why the milk goes by so fast, I suspect when the food runs out at my house, people begin drinking milk.

Also, two days ago, I met a really cool girl - too be honest so far the most interesting girl I have met in Jordan, so I got her phone number and gave her a call to ask her out for a cup of coffee. (I have no interest in dating her or anything, but she actually seemed like nice good interesting company to keep, more interesting then my usual set of friends here none the less) - at first to my surprise she accepted, but then she called back and tricked me into doing some kind of project with her and her friends. So much  for that, but the project promises to be more interesting then just having a bunch of ‘arab’ guys sitting around the home. But about that, so I kicked everyone out of my house 3 days ago. I realized having guys over all the time, that if i am going to enjoy my vacation seeing them on my sofas, using my computers, using my stuff, was really starting to bug me out - so I asked them all to leave, and that I would invite them next time I wanted to see them - BUT, with strings attached, I decided that I will not let it get into the way of my sleep.

So (by the way, when I say friends, I am using the word very loosely, I am only friends with two of them) but basically I went out and bough SLEEPING PILLS to make sure that when its time for bed, no matter what else is going on, I will sleep. The thing is I am not used to sleeping until I am ‘exhausted’ where you can’t stay awake even if you want to.

So I got my sleeping pills, and I came home from work. Well actually what happened is, I hate to meet another friend over at a different part of town. So as I was leaving work, a friend of mine showed up un-announced, he wanted to hang out, and knew I was not having anyone over, - so he came over to pick me up and I was going to bum a ride from him to the location of the other friend. BUT, I stopped home to drop off some stuff, and so my friend could pray - and decided not to go out - I just wanted to stay home, listen to some quran, relax and goto bed. So somehow i caved in and some more guys came over, BUT at 11PM, I took my sleeping pills and went to bed.

When I woke up, I WOKE UP at 7:30 - let me tell you something, in NO history on earth have I ever woken up 7:30 AM on a Friday morning, NEVER - EVER. EVER. So I woke up, and Adee prepared this magnificent breakfast of what i mentioned earlier (this is after friday prayer) now you have to understand something when I woke up at 7:30 AM, the house was while not messy, not as ‘clean’ as it was before some of these guys (and one friend) came over. So, it was like, ok, I am NOT going to deal with this and went back to bed (after some quran though, it is Friday), but I Just laid there for a few hours and had the most enjoyable day dreams ever. EVER. I mean like in EVER. Usually when i day dream, I day dream while in the middle of something else or when I am exhausted, exhaustion day  dreaming is weird, because you can have some weird WEIRD dreams and not even realize, but its like I went to bed last night, woke up fresh, ate some fruits, took care of the obligations of the day, and lied down in bed, and day dreamed. Basically, a lot of preparation to DAY dream, and it freaking ROCKED.

Now, its 4:30 PM., and I actually started to work, and its going well.  I can’t believe this, but I may actually be done with LIFE soon. Really if by the time I am 26, I am not done with all of this, I will most certainly  have to take my own life, as I do not deserve it.

But, I am happy, and my day dream was amazing. It felt so real. There is only one person in the world who could even begin to understand it or that I would feel comfortable sharing it with though.

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

My dad called yesterday and my friend was there to pick up the phone, I was asleep. I wish I had been awake, but I was incredibly tired and happy to be asleep. I had another gay encounter yesterday, but I won’t go into any details except to say it was most freaky.

I am not sure which one I like better. The original by the Beatles or the Cover by Mr. Vedder and Co.

I rarely post song lyrics of anything from Pink Floyd, but they have been my favorite band for like ever. I think I shall post some up on this blog post. This week there have been UNBELIEVABLE amounts of references to this song. The thing is the songs I REALLY LIKE, I mean REALLY like, I like them SOO much, that I don’t tell ANYONE about them - I don’t want ANYONE to know about them - BUT THIS song, is one of those SONGS I REALLY LIKE, but, I HAVE NO problem sharing.

(I have no idea what it means or anything, but its cool as heck none the less).

Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick. [ping]
Therell be no more –aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
Thatll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

is Probably the most peaceful and enjoyable time I have had in a LONG TIME. I can’t go into too many details but basically, I went to see a Doctor (NO, NOT ABOUT CHILDREN, though I get bugged a lot about that too, and in all honesty as much as I want kids, I don’t really want them) - but after a lot of pressure from some friends, I am finally going to the doctor - and I went, but before that I did something REALLY EVIL, but it felt a lot nicer, and I think I am going to have fun AFTER a long time. So BON VOYAGE.

I have 8 months left until I graduate. (for about 3 or 4 years now). I can’t even fathom how much of my parents money AND my own money I have wasted on Education. I hate HATE my supposed degree.
I have launched the FIRST of those 3 EVIL PROJECTS.
(so that means I have TWO EVIL ONES left)
I am buying a car!

And I really REALLY REALLY miss my mother SO much, I am thinking about asking her to come stay with me for a few weeks here in Jordan ( I miss my dad too, but i don’t want him to take time off of work, and all of that stuff ).

And I went to the doctor, and just by going I already feel as if I am cured :), and I did something EVIL. EVIL INDEED. Maybe one of the most evil things I have done in a long time. (its not evil honestly, but god, I hate this ’secrecy’) I have to maintain 20 different standards of secrecy on my blog. My parents read this, some of the people I do business read this, - for example, (I don’t anymore) but lets say its something silly, like having MUSIC on my blog. This would actually take away money from my pocket if seen by one of the persons who reads this blog. You get me. So for now, lets just say this Evil thing its REALLY NOT THAT EVIL. But at the same time it was nice, and I call it evil because well some people would consider it evil -

So enough about that. I Am going to the doctors today! God, I have NEVER in my life been so excited to go to a doctor. EVER. And my god, I got it together, I may actually be retired in the next few weeks!

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

The air conditioner is leaking water or something, its somethign simple easy to fix, but I don’t know how to do it (I could probably sort it out) but its so make shift already, I don’t feel like sorting out how to clean the pipes and re-attach it all - so WE HAVe to call the guy with the warranty service to come fix it.

It is HOT. We have a fan in here, but its just not the same. You know -

You know -

I am going to work today, rememer earlier when i mentioned, I should drink coffee and stay up all night, well I did not, I got some seven up in me though, so I am still wide awake, and its only 4:45 am - about 6 hours before I got to meet up.

So, 6 hours, and still not sleepy.

And (ok, I did not REALLY WORK last night) BUT - I seriously need some alone time to wind down. I came home and went straight to bed, then woke up with  people who kept coming into my room - I am not sure why AT ALL that would happen, firstly here are 3 bathrooms, and there are plenty of places to just be. So I woke up and came out and burgers were being made. So, I had a burger.

But, something is SERIOUSLY amiss here. I am not getting anything done here. Home is suppose to be a place where you can work easily, every day I have a new story.

For example, today, Ah nevermind, listen.

Sas

You know what — I have been doing a lot of thinking and realistically and practically speaking if I do not finish these last several projects before I retire, I will feel guilty for a LONG LONG TIME. Also most of the work is for people who are pretty much friends, so its like double guilt, if they were just work related things, I might still leave - (but I have never left a job EVER, just been fired, it just takes a VERY long time to get fired here, I begged a guy to fire me for months, and he ended up trying to hire me many more times).

But so I decided to grow up and finish all of this, and retire. So I WILL, and I have to - seriosuly, IN WILL never even materialize into what I want to do with it unless I do (and every 1 hour muslimpad.com keeps crashing too, LOL). This is a joke. So (by the way I am loaded with cash, I got paid early, so I do not have to tell ANYONE for at least a day or two, and Adee took away my credit card also, so no access to my american funds either :()) So I came into work today, (I did try to convince them that there is not much I can really do, but one of my managers, HE INSISTS on following some arcane rules and what not, so even though there is nothing, for just one day, he wants me to stay at work and stay even if I have nothing to do, so I kinda did some stuff.) I sent off e-mails to all the clients stuff that I am in charge of, and followed up - usually something I suck at, and now I have a good hour or so before I have to leave, I called up Mr. Yazan to come pick me up early (everyones gone, and I have strange hours because of legal stuff) - but, to my surprise, and to my dismay too. I CAN BE a neat freak even though I myself do not always clean up so well. I have been meaning to clean the kitchen and living room for the past few days, Milk was spilled on a rug, and there is a MESS all over the kicthen (the dishes are relatively well routinely cleaned and what not) but too be honest, you have flour every where, egg shells, cracked eggs that (I won’t eat them) but the people who say they will make something out of them have not MADE anything out of them), and a load of laundy is still sitting in the cleaner, WAITING for me to turn it on. (Honestly, I am not that lazy, its just that this is my only time off of family in about 3 or 4 years, I had some mini vacations you could say in the last few years, but hotels SUCK, and I HATE eating out, especially in the states, but last time I was there, I found a nice halal pakistanmi restaurant close to me, and that turned out to be wicked. But besides that, this is like my little mini vacation, and I get to do what EVER i want, and too be honest, I spend so much of my non vacation time ‘partying’ for the lack of a better word, its not really partrying, i mean again we are muslims, so there are limits, but I am already used  to pretty much just chilling 24×7 with fatima and friends and what not), so I am spending most of my vacation walking around in boxers surprising people left and right. See, every day someone new is over, eithere family of friends, or friends of friends, or friends of friends of friends, and everyone keeps bringing lots of junk food, so thats nice of them - but its perfect, in a situation like this, I do not really have to spend time with anyone and I can kinda do whatever I want, and lately since its my first I guess you can say reaxed vacation, I am mostly just siting around sulking about my 3 projects, that  I MUST do before I retire (GOD, AM I HUNGRY right now, and you know what, there is absoultely nothing at home that I Want to eat, I suppose, I will just have some corn flakes and cereal when I get home) but so when I called Yazan, he said, I can’t come to get you right now, me and these guys are cleaning up your home!

So yes, that surprised me, especially since when he came over around 2:30 to take me to work, he took a fork and put it into a plate of sphagetti (which was HORRIBLE by the way, except the fact that it was yummy and more of a pizza or lasagna then a sphagetti, and the best part was the cheese (GOD, AM I HUNGRY, I will kill someone), so right as he took a fork, he dropped some of the sphagetti INTO MY SPOON AND FORK Drawer somehow. Now, hes a nice guy and all, but HOW DOES ONE DO THAT in the first 2 minutes that they are in a HOME. HOW HOW HOW.

Anyway, the night before, he told me, sas, don’t clean anything - tommorrow, I will clean everything, (in the morning) so when morning came, and he came much past it, too be honest, i was not expecting a clean home at al - but, you know what, I am LOOKING forward to going to a clean home, but I have NO IDEA on earth what I can eat. I have some beef, but I don’t feel like cooking, I have some chicken, but that would require DEFROSTING and COOKING. I can not eat out anymore, I can’t think of anything that I want to go out and get and bring. We have some chicke burgers, but I am really not in the mood, and grilled cheese sandwiches just sound disgusting (GOD< I REALLY hope somene picked up some fruits, we never get our fruits the main mall, as selection is bad and the prices are RIDICULOUS, so HOPEFULLY someone picked some up in shaa Allaah).

So (still have a good 20 minutes left before anyone will be here to pick me up) - I have an early meetimg tommorrow morning, 10:30 AM. I have two choices considering how off my sleep has been. Sleeping pills, or 5 cups of cofffee, I am still not entirely sure which one I will do - coffe means I might work tonight, and stay up all night and make the meeting. Or sleeping pills will mean that I fall asleep and wake up early enough to get to the meeting on time. I HATE morning meetings, All meetings should be dinner meetings (which last night I still somehow managed to miss) - And you know what, I am sick of meetings anyway. I am only used for one thing anyway. ‘Making Sales’ I am not even in SALES, but thats all I AM USED for, “making Sales’ - (tommorrow incidentally enough is not a sales meeting though, so I am actualy looking forward to it, but WAKING UP OR staying up ALL night to get into a meeting, is what makes this world a HORRIBLE place. See if i get to paradise, its not going to be like this, I will just wake up whenever I want, and work whenever I Want. And only the best parts of this life will be a part of it.

I really need to sit down right now and as I write this come up with an idea about what I will eat, I want some nice hot steaming BOILED rice with some curry or chicken, that sounds entirely yummy. And you know what, I AM NOW ABSOLUTELY ROYALLY PISSED OFF, ok nevermore i am not. I have a ‘rage’ problem I get very upset very easily, and just because of how mad I got about 20 seconds ago, I was going to go waste about 50 bucks on some restaurant, because - of this msn conversation, I Just had with Mr. Yazan (it turns out, hes just joking with me apparently) -

Actually I just realized, nothing gets me more decided about food then being upset. Every and each time I have ever been upset, I think I have easily been able to make up my mind about food and get some food, and I LOVE to eat alone when I am mad. Its the FUNNEST thing in the world, 15 MORE MINUTES!

Ok, now that I am not actually mad, I still need to figure out the food situation, there is no more sphagetti sauce anyway to make sphagetti with, and I am still not up to making my own sauce. What to eat, what to eat.

Oh yea, well back to the original thing I was getting at, I am actually looking forward to finishing these projects in a nice manner (I turned down any thing else that might pop up, and DID pop up), and once I am done. I will well though, I won’t be exactly doing what I want to be doing. You know what, I feel like maybe going to a movie thing is the movie theater is so FREAKING far. I hate watching movies in jordan, its a whole day event too be honest. I want some cinn-a-bon though maybe or something, i dunno.

I am hungry.

I want to eat, I HAVE no idea what I am going to eat, I wish these thoughts did not consume each and every day of my life.

Three. I guess in many ways, its really just three.

Sas

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows, only time?
And who can say if your love grows,
As your hearth chose, only time?

Who can say why your heart sights,
As your live flies, only time?
And who can say why your heart cries
when your love lies, only time?

Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be ,in your heart?
and who can say when the day sleeps,
and the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart…..

Who can say if your love groves,
As your heart chose, only time?
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time?

Who knows? Only time
Who knows? Only time